you're a mess, but at least you know it.

my mom and her sister.

I'm determined to find a stable sense of self, obsessed with creating and maintaining functional relationships with my family and friends, communicating efficiently and sincerely, and being brutally honest, perhaps to others, but most of all to myself. Because I owe it to me, and only once I know who I am will I be able to be real to others.

greetings from the catskill mts.

Found this giant postcard in pristine condition at Revival on Thursday and had no problem forking over $2 for it. It reads:

"These are the Catskills - the ideal vacation-land, where scenery unsurpassed for beauty and variety includes many miles of various Catskill Mr. Range, and the beautiful valley of the Hudson River. This region attracts thousands of vacationists, who come here to enjoy the splendid facilities for Summer recreation with which the region abounds. Swimming, boating, fishing, golf, tennis and horseback riding are all available here for the sports enthusiasts. Scenic tours through this legendary land of Rip Van Winkle provide a vacation of thrills for all who come here."

They really don't write descriptions the way they used to...

longboarding

This is one of Kevin's secret talents. I followed him gingerly up sloping streets on his smaller board until we got to his favorite spot, where I watched him do some crazy carving all the way down the hill. It's exhilarating and kind of terrifying to watch, and when he got his slide gloves on and zoomed down the street bent low on his board I was silently freaking out the first couple of times. I liked watching him go down the hill on 'the dancer' which is the big board that's about as tall as me; he looked like he was gliding. Surfing gracefully on asphalt.

how the wind blew

The Santa Ana winds roared and raged all day on Wednesday and Thursday, but I was gone Friday. Pasadena was declared a disaster zone. My commute to work took 3 times as long because all the traffic lights were out; only 8 out of maybe 30 or so worked. So many downed trees... so many old trees. And damage done to houses. The streets are still filled with debris and some people didn't get their power back until today. Crazy. It felt like the end of the world, and I thought my windows would shatter/cars would get smashed, but with candles and flashlights and a dear friend on the phone, I felt safe.

i made a lot of mistakes

I cut two of my fingers, got two new bruises, stained my hands with spray paint, got a haircut and a fresh batch of pimples over the past few days. These could all be euphemisms for something but they're not. Thanksgiving was notoriously memorable and the best part of it was cooking for seven hours that day with my best friend and sister Y. The past two days were full of spirit-crushing frustration and stress, but I think I've finally come out on the other side. I hope I can look back and say that I've grown and gotten more mature and sensitive and savvy about things. My boss gave me this egg today that he pilfered from an unsuspecting chicken. Eggs symbolize what, new beginnings/life/chances? I'm excited to crack it open and eat it.

CNC-ing

Milled some things on the CNC (computer numerical control) machine at USC today. It was such an exciting/boring, frustrating/satisfying, sometimes monotonous process, and in an uninsulated shed on a day that was pouring rain, it was sooo cold. All complaints and grumblings aside, this was a fun and productive day.

this place is a prison

I photographed a space yesterday...

the mystery family

I found these photographs at a flea market back in July. It's a little creepy to be holding on to family photos of people I've never met and are possibly long gone, but they are so intriguing. Look at how gorgeous everyone looked, so put together and beautiful in their simple, crisp outfits. This obsession led further into investigating more of my own family's photos, and I came back from New Jersey last month with an armful of images that still have yet to be scanned and shared.

flickering fall colors

And suddenly, fall. I feel like I've said this before. But I love this time of year, everything is exploding with color, the best fruits are ripe for the picking... and actually everything is ripe with change, whether seasonal or metaphorical. Constant change.

So much is going on right now I feel like combusting. I'm in the process of trying to mend some strained relationships, although on my end it's a bit more of a waiting game, trying to be helpful & hoping the others will understand or forgive me. Meanwhile simple things like a cup of freshly brewed tea while listening to songs sent by a sweet friend are helping me stay positive. But whatever happens I guess, happens...

good monday

This is what I woke up to this morning :).

sister's thoughts on this scene:
"are you there"?
"oh! you are! okay then i'll just settle here while you take my picture."

i feel you, fall

Mornings have suddenly become sharp and cold, and snap at you to get out of bed as you force yourself into a tight warm ball and cling desperately to the remaining vestiges of sleep before the alarm warns you one last time to get up. Chilly mornings are the worst, depending on the context. Horrible for when you need to get up early when the earth feels frozen and go to work, but nice if you have the day off and are sharing a warm breakfast with mother and poopies/a friend. I know it sounds crazy to be complaining of the cold in Southern California, but we have our moments here every now and again, and I'm biased because I love/need warmth and sunshine (it doesn't help that my eyes snap open at 6 am every morning these days either). It feels more like Thursday than Tuesday because of the massive amount of deadlines we suddenly faced at the office today, but we pulled through. I went to see Lykke Li at the Fox Theatre in Pomona on Monday and it was mind-blowing to the point of being life-changing, but maybe I was just in a goood mood. No, Lykke Li was amazing and her energy and complete command of the audience was like watching some kind of ethereal high priestess working her magic on a spellbound audience.

analog

Awkward candid photos are the best.

To my old friends, new friends, and future friends - I need to take Polaroids of you, rarity, yellowing color tone and high cost be damned! Without a doubt it is about that time that I invest in a Fuji Instax...

a rock, not an island

My coworker Andy and I went to Eaton Canyon today after our shifts (he got off at 10, I got off at 12 - I haven't seen him in three weeks!), and after the rain had stopped. He picked me up in a black 1969 Dodge Dart, which was so much fun, and we meandered in the suburbs a little, joyriding our way to an off-beaten path that circumvents the main entrance to the trail. The mountains were shrouded in a fog that portended a storm, but luckily for us not a drop fell while we were on the trail. Once we reached the falls, and upon seeing the swarm of people hanging out there, we skipped going right up to the falls and started our way back. Andy studies geology, so all throughout he told me about the types of rocks that we saw, and how some of the oldest rocks in California are actually at Eaton Canyon. I took us off the path to a lower part of a stream, which is when Andy said 'Let's go look at the dikes (the dark grey rocks striated with white)' and then he explained how the faster cooling rocks offset the slower cooling ones and what each kind of rock had which minerals. We saw a large outcropping of prickly pear and Andy tried one, miraculously without pricking himself, and after washing his hands in the creek and landing back on the bank he smiled and said 'We should do this again.' Which really is the phrase of the month/season.

no restraint

Happy November! Started off the day with bagel chips that Andrew brought to work, had a mineral water from Georgia the country called Borjomi (so good!), got my first paycheck at the firm and... bought a vintage Philco fridge with Andrew because we both got so excited over it. Lordy. We're not even roommates anymore, and I had to frantically find a place to store it once I got home. Right now it's at our boss's office, and when he noticed that we had come back (looking for his appliance dolly) he mock-demanded "What the heck are you two still doing creeping around here?" We gloriously told him of our purchase then scurried off to bring it back. It will be endlessly stocked with beer (mostly Fat Tire) and all sorts of deliciousness... more on that later!