ennui/requiem

I can relate, except for me the T.V. isn't even on.

I don't care about much lately, I'm kind of numb and listless and passively floating through life and it disturbs me.

I have little to no motivation for school - I've received failing notices for two classes for poor attendance but fortunately there are easy countermeasures/ways to fix that shit. But even before I knew about those I didn't bat an eyelash at the notifications, whereas if I had gotten such notices a year or two previous I'd be freaking out. Actually who am I kidding, poor attendance wouldn't even have been an issue two years previous.

Work bores me. I go in, run a few errands, make copies, file papers, rearrange things. It's gotten to the point that I avoid actively engaging in conversation with (almost) anyone because I can't stand the thought of carrying on and pretending like I care while knowing that person doesn't really give a shit about me either/what I'm studying or what I want to do in life. I've decided to be a drone because it's simpler and better for my sanity.

I don't know what the hell is going on in studio. It interests me, kind of. I have no juice though, everything I produce is limp and lifeless and shallow and it threatens to collapse under my fragile past three years of core studio. Fuck you core studio, what did you teach me? Almost absolutely nothing. What the fuck am I doing here.

Also I am a shitty, shitty friend. Friends asked if I want to go to Vegas this weekend, I say maybe, then no. People invite me to meet them for drinks, I say no, don't have the money. One friend calls me, I think he needs someone to talk to. I answer but say I don't have time to talk, maybe later? Another asks me what I'm up to this weekend, last week. I still haven't responded. I just sent off a letter to a friend after four months of setbacks. The envelope was fat with paper, chock-full of drivel, post-adolescent musings and reflection. I hang out with the boyfriend, and he suggests fun things to do/new things to try and I feel bad when I reject them because I'm busy, or tired, or just not feeling it. I'm getting old, I feel.

The past two days I've drifted into a hazy sleep only to wake up to the horrifying sounds of Beatles on rockband. Soul-sucking. I wish I had gone to see a movie tonight but I opted not to, thinking I'd be doing some work for school instead, but I ended up doing nothing. I am a leech and a slug, parasitic on others and passive and inactive on my own end. I don't care about music, I don't care about movies, books I pick up only to put down after reading two or three pages. The only thing that really catches my eye of late is art, pure and simple, the only thing that made me feel productive was an ink drawing I made of a dog. My dreams are more vivid than real life so the only thing I treasure lately, is sleep.

Is it appropriate that I hear music drifting off the Row from Requiem For A Dream? Sounds from one of the most terrifying, harrowing films I've ever watched. It's telling me to wake up and do something instead of sitting here wasting away and whining about it.

Well, it could be worse. I'm not dying, just bored and experiencing a giant personality shift. and can't sleep.