hey there kiddo

Well hello! It has been a while, hasn't it. I hope the first half of summer has been good to you. It has been good to me, though in the most ironic and twisted ways possible. All I can say is I'm grateful I know rational, patient, compassionate persons who are understanding, and aren't too quick to write things off. I had a few quiet moments over the long weekend, of which I used to take care of my latest batch of kombucha (which had gone super vinegary with neglect), sewed a few more patches on a new old jean jacket (affectionally dubbed "Le Tigre" by friends) and listened to lots of music while making little changes at home. The rest of June beforehand was actually extremely exciting - caught up with many many old friends, cooked and dined amazingly with my best girl J, got a slew of new responsibilities at work, and generally felt the most like myself in those few weeks than I had felt in an entire year.

So even though the end of June felt like a gigantic riptide, the kind that thrashes you around without mercy or warning, I made it out! I couldn't have done it without a few special, precious people though. Amidst the confusion, panic and despair I incredulously realized how blessed I was to have the support of these people. So apart from learning a few lessons about myself and others in relationships, I really was able to see how much beauty there is in the world.

what's in my hand

Some leftovers from May! With the lengthening days I've been going for longer walks around the neighborhood; on many of these walks I've encountered bountiful mulberry trees laden with their juicy black fruit, and handful after sneaky handful I usually walk away with stained fingertips, berry-stained mouth, and a happy belly.

On one of these walks a few weeks ago I made this tiny posy as I turned a corner of a big old house on a big hill. Delicate daisies and sweet, heady jasmine, accompanied by a purply foxtail grass of some sort. The jasmine lasted the longest and filled my days with its beautiful scent - I'll remember that week of falling asleep to and waking up with jasmine filling my nostrils for years to come.

 

This is an old negative I found in a crazy messed-up house that I was surveying and drawing up for work on the side. Picture mid-century hoarders occupying a 1,300 square foot house for I don't even know how many years. I wish I had seen it in all its pack-rat glory (not really), but I saw (and smelled) the remnants and dang that was nasty.

Opium poppies. So many of these were slashed and oozing their sap that contains said opiates that I was a little suspicious. Totally beautiful still, whether it's the pods or the silky red dress-looking blooms.

Middle of the week, I still have lots to say. At a later time though. Happy Wednesday!

field trip - Kramer Junction, CA

Over the Memorial Day Weekend the lapidary group had a trip out to the Kramer Junction area between Mojave and Barstow. On the collecting list were dendritic agate, opalite, bits of petrified bog, onyx, and more agates like last time. In the middle of the day we stopped to view petroglyphs in a little canyon in I don't even know where - the last town we passed through before hitting back country was Hinkley, and hours and hours of driving up and down boulder-covered hills, dry lake beds and dusty, scrubby desert made me lose all sense of time and urgency.

Our first stop was Opal Mountain, to look for common opal in a range of milky-white to amber, to a dark honey color. Here I got to get extensive use out of my rock hammer for the first time, and I had a lot of fun looking for veins of opal and smashing at the surrounding rhyolite to free my finds. But after a while I slowed down to explore the rest of my surroundings. I noticed gem-like hues of lichen coating small rock/dirt outcroppings and regarded them as vast, microscopic alien worlds. I saw a cute little fishhook cactus with a bunch of pups and got pricked a few times admiring the bunch! I got lazy about taking pictures for most of this trip... When your center of balance is always slightly compromised by a rock bag/camera bag on pebbly surfaces that essentially act like a ball bearings-strewn landscape you really just want to be careful while having fun exploring, and then the camera kind of gets pushed to the side...!

 

We hit another agate field, viewed petroglyphs, and made the long dusty trek back to camp, where I parted ways with the other members and floored it back to LA, to see a good old friend I haven't seen in about a year and a half. The drive home was beautiful - there's a spot on the I-15 S that cuts through some mountains, and as the sun goes down, the mountains are dark and silhouetted; as you turn the curve and breeze downhill you get blasted with light, and I get this strange feeling of contentment at having had a full day of adventure that is then backed with an immediate desire to drive off and go on to the next adventure. I think of Bilbo Baggins saying "I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf!" and I feel the same way, but I want to see mountains, forests, canyons, and other cities!

 
My haul this time was modest, but no complaints. Above, you see big chunks of agate that I would like to throw into the rock tumbler the next time I have a chance, as well as a few chips of honey opal. I found two dendritic agates, nothing impressive, but was happy to find more greenish specimens of agate, striped, translucent, milky and all. I only made it for 1/3 of the trip, but it was a great way to start the long weekend.

instagram

I was really opposed to joining Instagram when I finally got a smartphone over a year ago for all the reasons that, if I repeat now, just make me as insufferable and obnoxious as any soapboxer on Facebook shouting their opinion (though we're all entitled to our opinions!), but to get down to the crux of it I didn't really see the appeal of (A) yet another microblogging platform, and (B) another extreme way to attention whore/humblebrag/blatantly brag about your goings-on. But now, having been an Instagram user for about five months, my opinions have shifted a bit. Given who you follow, I see it more now as seeing the world through other peoples' eyes, which I guess anybody would say "DUH" to. Unfortunately I chose to regard this app negatively before giving it a chance, which is just a character flaw on my part. Better late than never they say.

Something that saddens me though is when I see a lapse of updates on a blog, only to investigate and realize that said blogger has been so busy with real life that updating has understandably slowed, but the effortlessness and ease of Instagram smoothly bridges that gap one faces with the clunkiness of blogging and the time it usually requires. I get it though, and (drumroll) perhaps I've been guilty of turning to Instagram instead of my blog lately too. But in my case I don't have hundreds or thousands of readers wondering what I must be doing!


And obviously, Instagram is fun. It brings people together (cheesy I know) - one of my best friends who has been off of Facebook for years had been on Instagram instead, so upon joining I feel that extra step of closeness that e-mailing kind of lacks! And another friend I made on the Internet asked me, a day or two after I joined, if I use Instagram, so we became friends there, too! :X


There have been tons of contemporary studies (none of which I can link you to) on the psychological effects of Facebook in that frequenting the site often invokes feelings of inadequacy/jealousy/all those terrible angsty feelings of being un-included, or not doing something fun/amazing like that person on your friends list, and overall makes you really dissatisfied with your own life/accomplishments. That's the worst of what happens I guess. For me I just feel a little wistful that the people I would really like to hear more updates from have wised up and rarely say/post anything on Facebook, or have abandoned it entirely! Inevitably I've been pulling farther away from Facebook, and realized that Instagram is a good stand-in, because when it's just pared down to pictures/hashtags, there's slightly less annoyingness present in users' posts (still on the fence about that statement).

This is really kind of an annoying entry in that I've been discussing a subject that has been diced and angled to pieces...and I apologize for it, but at least, true to the form and function of the application I'm talking about - you, the viewer, can let the words fade to the background and simply look at the pictures instead. 

And because I hate things without context/sources:

1. The Wiltern Theater (beautiful Art Deco building) & glowing hen&chick succulents (I filched one!)

2. An evening spent bike riding with my sister - RIDE OR DIE, and risky self-portraiture habits.

3. Last month was all about mint - plucking armfuls of it, drying it out, and storing it in glass jars for forthcoming weeks of mint tea, just like my grandma loves to do!

4. Documenting things at work, and a shot of Alcatraz from a friend who visited SF and sent me shots of the city coupled with quotes from the Rock, so good.

5. I've been going to lots of music shows too...this was Maps & Atlases at the Echo (!!!) and I never tire of seeing them. Then another shadow selfie that I snapped when I saw the proportion of shadow to light, that I liked.

Even though I've seemingly made my peace with Instagram, here's to hoping there's less of these kinds of posts and more...regular blog type of things on their way.

more drawings

Here are six of the drawings I was scrambling to finish over the past few weeks. I drew nine total, but didn't scan in the last three, which works out well because they would totally give away where I essentially grew up. I guess that statement is silly because I'm assuming I still have full anonymity here, but it's fun to pretend!

What else can I say? Three of these are schools, one is a park, and two are historically significant landmarks. The three I omitted are of yet another two schools, and a very special garden.

I had a lot of fun drawing these! I feel like I honed some skills on this exercise, but could further improve on values, texture, and not outlining too much/trying to include everything. My favorite trick was taking a break from architectural elements to focus on foliage and plant matter, and when I tired of that I would go back to the building with fresh eyes. I had many a night that I would groan in frustration every hour on the hour, but it's the good frustration, the one where you know you got yourself into this situation and it's all up to you to pull through and own up to your project and deliver it as powerfully as you can. Yes, it felt like undergrad studio again, which was 1000x more difficult/complex than this, so...by those standards, this project was no sweat.

by the way

you, I still miss.

analog blogging

Over the last few months I've taken to writing my thoughts down in a real journal again, when pouring out a river of personal thoughts is scandalously (hah!) inappropriate for the blog, or when a listening ear is hard to reach. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to depend on others for support, which is NOT to say I have crappy friends or acquaintances. I get that everyone's got their own thing going on (especially as most of the people I'm referring to are in their twenties), and it isn't that simple anymore to grab a close friend after lecture/studio/work and have a meaningful chat/heart-to-heart/venting session. And even in the face of others, sometimes I feel a little self-conscious about discussing certain issues, in fears of sounding like a whining, self-centered, immature adolescent. It's a little disconcerting when I can provide solace or advice to someone else when I feel like I could use more control over my own problems.

I may be being a little harsh on myself though. And I'm definitely being hypocritical/contradictory in talking about the trickiness of meeting up with others, when I've managed to meet up with J twice in the last several weeks. (I am very much being the unreliable narrator here, bear with me.) In our discussions J and I noticed that one trait we both share is being extremely critical of ourselves, and having high expectations for ourselves in every endeavor or task we're given/set on achieving. I don't mean to sound so lofty in that statement - I'm know a ton of people are like this. My point is, upon going back and forth in our conversation, she and I realized, from taking a few steps back and looking at ourselves, we are doing fine; but out of wanting more, faster - dissatisfaction quickly sets in, and all we can focus on is what can be improved upon.

Angsty thoughts aside, the act of slowing down and putting my rambling down to paper is really soothing. Sometimes when I feel like it I'll doodle a sketch alongside the writing. Some days it's a sketch and nothing else. I try to do one every day, but realistically it's more like every couple of days that I get something substantial down, when thoughts have been brewing and bubbling and are ready to boil over. Some days I know nobody really cares to know about a blooming bud of mine, or another tired criticism of L.A. culture, or that I think of and miss someone way more than I can bear to admit.

I'm alright though. These words reek of self-pity and despair, but I'm not as sad or bitter or negative as I seem. Maybe I'm taking myself a little too seriously, sure, but that pendulum of mine takes mighty swings between being utterly goofy and inane to almost Dostoevskian depths. I'm laughing at me too, now. Sometimes all it takes for me to snap out of this is to make fun of myself/let it all out. :)

ojo de dios

I'm happy to say I've finished a drawing project that consumed my life over the past two weeks, that I COULD have finished well in advance earlier in the year, but as I seem to be a creature who seems to function the best when feeling the direct flame of a deadline at my heels, I fell back into old habits hard and cranked out nine pieces in a little under two weeks. I think I averaged about four hours of sleep every night last week, it felt like undergrad again. But I did it (cue hearty exhale).

Saturday morning I tried to sleep in, but that didn't happen so I gathered up a few bundles of fibers, an "X" of olive branches that I had prepared weeks ago, and an old thrifted instruction book on the Huichol craft 'Ojo de Dios' or God's eye. I resolved to make one for myself to put to rest an old desire from third grade, which was the year in elementary school that we learned about Native Americans. For some reason my class was the only one out of four that didn't get to make those popsicle-stick-and-yarn woven crosses.

I'm glad, thirteen years later, I did it this way though. I'm pretty sure as a third grader the deeper meaning and significance of this project would go right over one's head - but who knows. I'd be lying if I said I felt deeply spiritual while weaving the God's eye, and I certainly did not have an extended prayer that I recited as the weaving formed. But I got the same contemplative peace in assembling the God's eye that I do when I knit - something about the repetitive motions and the gradual building of knots to form a larger whole is extremely soothing. I felt meditative and peaceful winding lengths of colored twine on the wooden frame, even though it was a relatively quick project. I finished the God's eye off with a knotted loop, and hung it above my kitchen door on the threshold of the living room.

It's a little odd to feel this small relief at having completed this craft that I had longed to do as an eight year-old and never really got around to until the pieces started falling into place. I wasn't consumed by the desire all these years either, it faded away and was nearly forgotten, but small steps - finding the Ojo de Dios book at the thrift store, having some dried out olive twigs from my tree at home, and seeing these natural fibers in the glowing colors of the sun at another thrift store slowly but surely pushed me towards the right direction. Seemingly unrelated, yet totally relevant to this fulfillment of old childhood dreams, was finding this large, whole cowrie at El Matador last month. Granted its gorgeous gloss is gone - whitewashed and eroded by the sea to look more like bone, but it is unmistakably a cowrie. And in the way that 8 year-old me would be so happy to know she'd make a God's eye down the line, 9 year-old me is thrilled that she found her own cowrie on the beach instead of buying one from the store. So here's to attaining lost childhood goals, all along the way to actualizing current, adult ones.

construction observations

Framing hammer standing in as paperweight on a blustery day. 

Chalk dust for marking/labeling. 

Ready to go! Self explanatory. 

All three of the birds, plus a boom concrete pump. 

Measuring tape atop a finished concrete floor. All of that finishing is still done by hand, no machine that can do this with that kind of finesse.

A welded rebar "mystery burro" of some sort...I want it.

Lunches! I love imagining what kind of glorious/enormous meals the workers likely pack for themselves every day. 

Bonus snapshot! Me in all my PPE (personal protective equipment).

el matador state beach

Yesterday I got the day off from work, so I went to the beach with A! We decided on El Matador State Beach in Malibu, farther out past Zuma, but the amount of exploring afforded by the extra miles made it so worth it. We went down the steps from cliff to shore and headed East (South? I never know, when I'm by the ocean...), and after scoping everything out for an hour, got hungry and set up our picnic lunch atop a big rock right along the water's edge. After lots of egg salad, pickles, chips and the like, we went straight back to exploring...

There was so much to see. A pointed to a runoff from the cliffs that had carried down all these rocks that, over years had gotten smooth and worn down by the pounding of the waves and against each other. I noticed many of the beach pebbles resembled the jasper and chalcedonies that I picked up out of the desert several weeks ago and was extremely excited to see them in a smoother, semi-polished form.

 

As well as interesting mineral specimens, A had his eye out for tiny, colorful, perfect seashells. Check out that gorgeous plum-colored and ridged cowrie! Oh, after some quick research I've learned it is not a true cowrie, but a trivia - Trivia californiana. I've never seen such a beautiful shell like that found on a California beach. Seems like I've been frequenting the wrong ones all my life! In addition to the obvious awesomeness of the mineral and molluscan findings, there was plenty of marine life to see - tide pools full of sea anemones, crabs, limpets, periwinkle snails, and farther out - mussels, sea stars, dolphins! We saw some sea lions while eating/walking around too, sadly looking a bit forlorn as if they were missing their mothers...

 
El Matador is known for its sea caves in addition to its large rock outcroppings, which we explored after lunch. There we stumbled upon ghostlier-colored sea anemones, timed our movements around the caves against the crashing waves, left our flip flops on a rock to triumphantly return to later, all while stooping and scooping and scrutinizing the lovely shells and rocks all over the beach. I did a half-assed job of documenting it all because right off the bat I just wanted to play and enjoy everything, and that won out over preserving the memories...!

 

Today I awoke and felt sore from yesterday's excursions, a tiny bit sandy and the teeniest bit salty. After several errands and lunch I sorted out my beach treasures, slightly less impressive now that they were dry and out of the ocean, but still breathtakingly gorgeous. I added some to a few of my potted plants, sort of like jewelry or visual candy for them, haha. The rest of the pebbles are now atop my dresser in a medium-sized glass apothecary jar - smooth, shiny, vibrant and now a hearty reminder that there's always more out there, possibly better variations of things that you thought you knew - which is a thrilling realization.