Strange sort of new year. Spent it with a bunch of strangers in the desert but felt no more alone than I would amongst my own friends and acquaintances. The night we arrived it was windy and rainy and I felt like a massive fool struggling to set up a tent in those conditions, but under cover of a circle of cars and Andy's direction it worked out fine. Two nights of campfires, alcohol, weed and mushrooms, offset with solitary strolls amongst the rocks and scrub searching for an elusive cholla cactus would seem transformative enough, but the myth of 'new year, new me' stands strong. I've been working on 'new me' in my own ways since Thanksgiving, but can't say I've been seeing strong results as of yet. This isn't me being self-deprecating either...I lashed out and hurt someone very close to me, and as the days carry on my heart feels heavier at the possibility that I've broken this too far to ever come back to a steady, solid rhythm. My self-sabotage button knows no bounds. I'm not the type to give up very easily and cut someone completely out of my life unless out of absolute necessity, after all resources and efforts have been exhausted. But I wonder if perseverance isn't as successful as knowing when to walk away from a situation? There are so many lessons to be learned... This year, and for all of my years, I would benefit greatly with more empathy, self-control, and maturity.
