'i'll be still, won't say a word'

 These are from last month, on a morning that I thought I would go to the beach at dawn to see the sunrise. Though, don't be fooled - I was already up to take someone to the airport, so feeling wide-eyed at 5 AM was already on the table. I drove up the Malibu coast, parked my car, and slept in the front until the sun broke through the clouds. The morning was incredibly serene. No one else was at the beach save for a few paddlers floating off towards the horizon, and one lone fisherman who silently arrived and set up his tackle not too long after daybreak.

I thought about myself, I thought about the people in my life. The ones who keep me going, the ones who've held me back/brought me down. There's something about early morning that brings such clarity to thoughts and feelings. I thought of the people I let go of, with tinges of regret or uncertainty. I thought of the blossoming and evolving friendships I have with others, and how I could cultivate and nurture those relationships. A month later, I feel no regrets or uncertainty about who to keep to the right and who to place to the left (or far behind me!).

I had a conversation with a friend back east, and upon mentioning a mutual acquaintance he asked if I would ever pick up where I left off with this person, try to rebuild our friendship and I immediately said fuck no. Unfortunately or fortunately I've learned that reconciliation with some people is either impossible or detrimental, depending on what the circumstances were. I believe in 'forgive and forget' but with a slight modification within that statement - forgive the other person, and then forget them. Does this sound bleak and jaded? I don't think so - just careful.

With all this being said I don't in any way mean to make myself sound like a martyr for relationships. I'm not untouchable, I'm flawed, I fuck up and I certainly deal with the cards I am dealt as best as I can. I'm glad to face adversity as long as I conquer it and am able to look back on it and say 'Yes, I learned quite a lesson back there.' I try not to dwell, and though I visit the past more often than I'd like to it's for the sake of perspective and not wallowing. I think my life is pretty great, mostly out of luck and because I make up for the rest of it by trying to be the best of myself and working like I have something to prove. I can always work harder, though.

we meet again, st. louis

I was in St. Louis over the weekend to witness the union of one of my oldest and dearest friends to his beautiful bride and partner, on the campus of Washington University where they met during their undergrad. It was such an exciting and beautiful way to start off the month of March!

The first time I traveled to the city was four years ago by way of Kansas City from Los Angeles on a 30-hour train ride. That time I was in the city for less than 15 hours and it wasn't nearly as frozen as it was this past weekend, for back when I went it was early spring rather than mid-winter (although I know it is technically spring right now!). I shared a hotel room with another close friend of the groom, and over an evening of zucchini and portobello fries and beer we became fast friends. This time it was her first visit in the city, so the morning of the wedding we decided to go see the Gateway Arch and visit the St. Louis Art Museum. We rode the subway east which was packed with people, which puzzled me until I realized that it was Mardi Gras. I didn't even realize this until I looked more closely at the throngs of people outfitted in purple, gold and green and giddy with the prospects of the day. My new friend chatted with some locals and they showed her their beads and their energy was crazy and infectious. We strolled over to the arch after making our stop, took silly pictures, and upon realizing that we wouldn't make it to the museum, took our time on getting back and wandered around St. Louis.

I feel a little older after this weekend, which I guess is apt for having just attended the first real wedding of someone I know, one of my best friends. The sudden realization hit me that this is only the first of such ceremonies that will occur amongst my peers, which is kind of exciting (I guess). I found myself getting extremely emotional all throughout - so much that I would look away to quell the tears, but then I would tell myself, "No! Stay in the moment!" and just keep watching as my eyes continued to mist over. I may have to go to St. Louis one more time in the future, to see that damn museum, and to visit the newlyweds again on a more relaxed time schedule. Until then...!