Hello, it's me. It's been a little over a year for the usual reasons - being preoccupied with life, busy with work, busy with managing relationships, friendships, keeping myself sane on varying levels. Different iterations of the same challenges. With some growth and wisdom gained along the way...at least I hope.
I've been feeling the stinging loneliness of lacking a partner, but I've been honing and polishing the silver lining of that situation constantly. You have nothing to tie you down, you have nobody to answer to but yourself, you can do anything you want, you will never be as free as you are right now - are thoughts I repeat to myself. I am surrounded by people I love, who I know love me, and want good things to happen to me, so I should nurture and welcome those good things, right?
There's a danger to being both pragmatic and dreamy - to protect that dream and optimism I've found that I approach hypothetical situations with a pessimistic slant, to shelter myself from disappointment. But doom and gloom replacing a bit of faith is very disheartening, and really, what value is there to drag yourself down into the mud and wallow in it? Who gives a damn about one who martyrs herself, solely for herself?
I finally feel like I'm emerging from this cave that I've been hiding in. Setting goals and trying my hardest to complete them. Recognizing and feeling my feelings. Being kind to myself and others. I'm feeling sapped of creative energy, which is frightening, but I'm working on it. Always working on something.
