'i'll be still, won't say a word'

 These are from last month, on a morning that I thought I would go to the beach at dawn to see the sunrise. Though, don't be fooled - I was already up to take someone to the airport, so feeling wide-eyed at 5 AM was already on the table. I drove up the Malibu coast, parked my car, and slept in the front until the sun broke through the clouds. The morning was incredibly serene. No one else was at the beach save for a few paddlers floating off towards the horizon, and one lone fisherman who silently arrived and set up his tackle not too long after daybreak.

I thought about myself, I thought about the people in my life. The ones who keep me going, the ones who've held me back/brought me down. There's something about early morning that brings such clarity to thoughts and feelings. I thought of the people I let go of, with tinges of regret or uncertainty. I thought of the blossoming and evolving friendships I have with others, and how I could cultivate and nurture those relationships. A month later, I feel no regrets or uncertainty about who to keep to the right and who to place to the left (or far behind me!).

I had a conversation with a friend back east, and upon mentioning a mutual acquaintance he asked if I would ever pick up where I left off with this person, try to rebuild our friendship and I immediately said fuck no. Unfortunately or fortunately I've learned that reconciliation with some people is either impossible or detrimental, depending on what the circumstances were. I believe in 'forgive and forget' but with a slight modification within that statement - forgive the other person, and then forget them. Does this sound bleak and jaded? I don't think so - just careful.

With all this being said I don't in any way mean to make myself sound like a martyr for relationships. I'm not untouchable, I'm flawed, I fuck up and I certainly deal with the cards I am dealt as best as I can. I'm glad to face adversity as long as I conquer it and am able to look back on it and say 'Yes, I learned quite a lesson back there.' I try not to dwell, and though I visit the past more often than I'd like to it's for the sake of perspective and not wallowing. I think my life is pretty great, mostly out of luck and because I make up for the rest of it by trying to be the best of myself and working like I have something to prove. I can always work harder, though.